A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
> desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little
> old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
>
> The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
>
> The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
> They are only £5."
>
> The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
> water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
>
> "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want
> to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
> If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
> lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
>
> Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
>
>
>
>
>
> Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said :
>
> "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
An elderly man in his early 60's recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said he was doing 'fairly well' for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' the old man replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' again replied the old man
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,'
The doctor looked at the old man and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
A clearly innebriated man shambles into a church and makes his way over to the confessional booth. Seeing this, the priest gets in the other side to hear his confession. A little time goes by and the drunk hasn't said anything. Finally the priest leans up to the partition and asks the man "Is there anything I can help you with brother?". To which the drunk replies " I don't know. Is there any toilet paper on your side?".
A hillbilly gets married and builds a new cabin in the Ozarks for himself and his new bride. He finishes it and brings her to proudly display his handiwork. She is fairly impressed but has to ask him " Where's the door?". He replies" Door? You fixing to go somewhere?".
Two really egotistical people are having sex and both clearly enjoying themselves. She says " Feels great doesn't it? That's because my pussy's so tight." To which he says "Nope, it's just full."
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.
The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A guy is going to his girlfriend's house to meet her father for the first time and then have dinner there. He really cares about this girl so he's desperate to make a good impression. The night doesn't seem to be going badly although the father doesn't seem to be especially warming up to him.
They finish dinner and retire to living room for coffee. The guy sits down a couch across from the father and Rover (the family dog) jumps up and the couch next to him and makes himself comfortable. The guy starts to feel some gas building up and is getting uncomfortable.
The girlfriend excuses herself to go prepare the coffee leaving the young man sitting there with her father and rover. The pressure keeps building and the guy just can't take it so he decides to see if he can let a quiet fart out to releave the pressure somewhat.
Instead of a silent fart a very loud and long fart escapes. The young man is petrified with shame until the father shouts "Rover!".
Feeling pretty happy that the dog is getting blamed, he lets another one fly. The old man shouts "Rover!" again. With the pressure of the gas still causing him discomfort, the young man lets one last long and loud fart out.
The old man shouts "Damn it Rover! Get away from that guy before he shits on you!"
Little Howie goes to
School, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
Words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Howie says
'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and
Says, 'Wow, little Howie, that's a mouthful.'
Little Howie says, 'No,
Miss Rogers, you're thinking of something else.'
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis. "
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis. "
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
a cruise on the pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; jim, tom and susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both jim and tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but jim and tom managed to get through it. After a while, jim and tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and jim and tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
Salesman in the an empty bar away from home asked the bartender where the easy women are tonight. The bartender said "There was a dentist convention tonight and they were all away". "However" he said "Sandpaper Sally is allways game". "Strange name but where will I find her" the saleman said. "Room 320, just say I sent you.
The salesman gets to 320 and knocks. A great looking blond with a killer body answers the door. "Sally, John the bartender said you would be home" he says. "Wow good looking, come on in." was her response. "Would you like a drink or just jump in the sack?" "I have had enough to drink" and before the words were out of his mouth she was smilling naked on the bed.
He mounts and said "Oh that's rough."Sorry, just give me a second." she says and scoots to the bathroom. On her return he resumes the possition and has a great time.
"Wow, that cream you use was great." said the salesman what is it.
"Oh that was not a cream, I just picked the scabs and let the pus run.
Salesman in the an empty bar away from home asked the bartender where the easy women are tonight. The bartender said "There was a dentist convention tonight and they were all away". "However" he said "Sandpaper Sally is allways game". "Strange name but where will I find her" the saleman said. "Room 320, just say I sent you.
The salesman gets to 320 and knocks. A great looking blond with a killer body answers the door. "Sally, John the bartender said you would be home" he says. "Wow good looking, come on in." was her response. "Would you like a drink or just jump in the sack?" "I have had enough to drink" and before the words were out of his mouth she was smilling naked on the bed.
He mounts and said "Oh that's rough."Sorry, just give me a second." she says and scoots to the bathroom. On her return he resumes the possition and has a great time.
"Wow, that cream you use was great." said the salesman what is it.
"Oh that was not a cream, I just picked the scabs and let the pus run.
# My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
# I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"........ so it died.
# I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.
# People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
# Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef.
# I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
# One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
# I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
# One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger.
# I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
# My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?
# I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!
# Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
# I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
# I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
# A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.
# What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...
# Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.
# Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
# Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
# I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
# I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
# Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
# I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
# I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.
# Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
# Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
# I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work ...
# I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
# I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
# I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
# I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead.
# I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
# I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
# I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!"
# "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
# I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
# Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
# I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
# I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
# I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
# On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana?
# I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
# I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."
Saturday morningI got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Comments
> desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little
> old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
>
> The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
>
> The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
> They are only £5."
>
> The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
> water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
>
> "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want
> to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
> If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
> lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
>
> Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
>
>
>
>
>
> Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said :
>
> "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' the old man replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' again replied the old man
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,'
The doctor looked at the old man and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
They finish dinner and retire to living room for coffee. The guy sits down a couch across from the father and Rover (the family dog) jumps up and the couch next to him and makes himself comfortable. The guy starts to feel some gas building up and is getting uncomfortable.
The girlfriend excuses herself to go prepare the coffee leaving the young man sitting there with her father and rover. The pressure keeps building and the guy just can't take it so he decides to see if he can let a quiet fart out to releave the pressure somewhat.
Instead of a silent fart a very loud and long fart escapes. The young man is petrified with shame until the father shouts "Rover!".
Feeling pretty happy that the dog is getting blamed, he lets another one fly. The old man shouts "Rover!" again. With the pressure of the gas still causing him discomfort, the young man lets one last long and loud fart out.
The old man shouts "Damn it Rover! Get away from that guy before he shits on you!"
School, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
Words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Howie says
'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and
Says, 'Wow, little Howie, that's a mouthful.'
Little Howie says, 'No,
Miss Rogers, you're thinking of something else.'
psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis. "
ALSO: I lol'd bigtime over this one!
>:D
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19.You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
@}->--
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So, they buried Susie
still sick!... but funny
Don't worry. He'll only be mad until 3pm. That's when Matlock comes on.
he has a PVR, he can watch it during dinner soup!
Salesman in the an empty bar away from home asked the bartender where the easy women are tonight. The bartender said "There was a dentist convention tonight and they were all away". "However" he said "Sandpaper Sally is allways game". "Strange name but where will I find her" the saleman said. "Room 320, just say I sent you.
The salesman gets to 320 and knocks. A great looking blond with a killer body answers the door. "Sally, John the bartender said you would be home" he says. "Wow good looking, come on in." was her response. "Would you like a drink or just jump in the sack?" "I have had enough to drink" and before the words were out of his mouth she was smilling naked on the bed.
He mounts and said "Oh that's rough."Sorry, just give me a second." she says and scoots to the bathroom. On her return he resumes the possition and has a great time.
"Wow, that cream you use was great." said the salesman what is it.
"Oh that was not a cream, I just picked the scabs and let the pus run.
pre dinner thought!!!!!!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
# My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
# I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"........ so it died.
# I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.
# People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
# Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef.
# I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
# One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
# I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
# One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger.
# I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
# My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?
# I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!
# Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
# I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
# I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
# A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.
# What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...
# Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.
# Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
# Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
# I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
# I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
# Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
# I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
# I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.
# Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
# Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
# I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work ...
# I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
# I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
# I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
# I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead.
# I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
# I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
# I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!"
# "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
# I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
# Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
# I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
# I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
# I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
# On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana?
# I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
# I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."
Okay, so . . . what? 3:45? Picky picky picky . . .
If only I could figure those technology things out! dribble, dribble...
YouTube - Mitch Hedberg Stand Up
'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.
Question:
How come?
Answer :
An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes
in a French tunnel,
driving a
German car
with a
Dutch engine,
driven
by a Belgian
who was
drunk
on
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),
followed
closely by
Italian
Paparazzi,
on
Japanese motorcycles;
treated
by an American doctor,
using
Brazilian
medicines.
This is
sent to you by
a
Canadian,
using
American
Bill Gates's technology,
and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,
that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and
a
Korean
monitor,
assembled
by
Bangladeshi
workers
in a
Singapore plant,
transported
by Indian
truck drivers,
hijacked
by Indonesians,
unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,
and
trucked to you by Mexican illegal's.... .
..
.
.
That, my friends,
is Globalization