Subject: FW: Visiting the Medicine Man
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > On his 78th birthday a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
> > The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
> > nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
> > erectile dysfunction.
> > After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his
> > gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
> >
> > The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it
> > to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is powerful
> > medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and
> > then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly
> > than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as
> > you want!"
> >
> > The elderly man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and
> > asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner
> > must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded. "...but when she
> > does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
> >
> > He was very eager to see if it worked. When he got home, he shaved,
> > showered, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his
> > wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his
> > clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men!
> >
> > His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes ...and then
> > she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
> >
> > And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
> > with a preposition, because if we do, we could end up with a
> > dangling participle.
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Looks like you're doing well. Only two left."
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students respo nded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things --- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions --- and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car...
The sand is everything else --- the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents..
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first --- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's behind and a car hit us both.
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Wow, this thread makes my day every morning. Thank you ddmilcan for starting this thing.
And Jeff, from another...middle age dog that was brilliant!
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached
> almost all the time.
> The midget went to the doctor and told him about
> his problem..
> The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
> The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
> table, and started to examine him.
> The doctor put one finger under his left
> testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to
> check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put
> his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
>
> "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
>
> Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
>
> The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
> the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the
> examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely
> delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The
> doctor said," How does that feel now?"
>
> The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.
>
> What did you do?
>
> The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
>
:wink2:
A man comes across a genies bottle on the beach and rubs it. A genie appears to grant the man 3 wishes. First the man asks for a million dollars. The genie grants his wish. The the man says that he has always wanted to be as smart as a rocket scientist and the genie grants his wish.
The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and then say," I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I am afraid of sailing. Could you build a bridge from here to Hawaii?"
The genie looks at the man, " Are you crazy? Do you know how much material and time that will take?"
The man thinks again and says, " Then my last wish is to understand how women think."
One sunny day in Ireland, two Irishmen are sitting in the pub, drinking pints of Guinness. After a couple of rounds the one guy says to his pal, "Ya know, that guy sitting in the corner looks a lot like you do."
"I've noticed that myself," slurred his mate.
"You should go talk to him about that," says the first Irishman.
"I believe I will," says the second. And, grabbing another Guinness he heads over the corner wher the man is sitting.
"I've noticed that you look a lot like me," said the Irishman, sitting down. "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Dublin," came the response.
"Sure, an' I'm from Dublin, too," said the Irishman. "What street do you live on, then?" he asked.
"McCarthy Street." was the reply.
"I live on McCarthy Street too," said the flabbergasted Irishman. "What were your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon," was the answer.
"No, well I'll be buggered" said the Irishman . . .
At this point the bartender came round to the Irishman at the bar, nodded to the corner where the two men sat talking and asked, "What's up over there?"
"Not much," came the response, "Just the Murphy twins, drunk off their arses again" . . .
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day
went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to
their room,
she flopped on the bed and said,
" Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me! "
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but
it would not budge.
" Harder! " yelled Camilla, " Harder " Charles yelled back.
" I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight! "
" Come on! Give it all you've got! "she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and
Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good! "
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin! "
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
" Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter! "
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy who served in the Navy:
Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral! "
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting
> > over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk..
> >
> > The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and
> > starts flipping through photos.. They start reminiscing.
> >
> > 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar.
> > He would have been 24 years old now.'
> >
> > 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother
> > cheerfully.
> >
> > He's a martyr now though— the mother confides.
> >
> > 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
> >
> > 'And this is my second son, Khalid.
> > He would have been 21.'
> >
> > 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily,
> > 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
> >
> > 'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly.
> >
> > 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other.
> >
> > 'And this is my third son. My baby.
> > My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18',
> > she whispers.
> >
> > Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember
> > when he first started school'
> >
> > 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother,
> > with tears in her eyes.
> >
> > After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
> > mother looks wistfully at the photographs and,
> > searching for the right words, says ... . ..
> >
> > 'They blow up so fast, don't they?’
50+ reasons for a girl to choose a dog... and not a man
Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Little Howie was
Sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man
On the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
Good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat..'
Little Howie replied,
'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your
Grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Howie answered,
'No, he minded his own fuckin' Business.
Comments
nope, definitely nicer before they flop. Wouldn't stop me from licking frosting off 'em . . . just sayin'
agree completely.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > On his 78th birthday a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
> > The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
> > nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
> > erectile dysfunction.
> > After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his
> > gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
> >
> > The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it
> > to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is powerful
> > medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and
> > then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly
> > than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as
> > you want!"
> >
> > The elderly man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and
> > asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner
> > must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded. "...but when she
> > does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
> >
> > He was very eager to see if it worked. When he got home, he shaved,
> > showered, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his
> > wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his
> > clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men!
> >
> > His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes ...and then
> > she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
> >
> > And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
> > with a preposition, because if we do, we could end up with a
> > dangling participle.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Looks like you're doing well. Only two left."
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students respo nded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things --- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions --- and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car...
The sand is everything else --- the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents..
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first --- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
Old Dogs
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
:bs: says the troll...
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's behind and a car hit us both.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
>:D^-^:D:o
Wow, this thread makes my day every morning. Thank you ddmilcan for starting this thing.
And Jeff, from another...middle age dog that was brilliant!
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'..
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
remember: Nothing is foolproof, to a sufficiently talented fool!
> almost all the time.
> The midget went to the doctor and told him about
> his problem..
> The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
> The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
> table, and started to examine him.
> The doctor put one finger under his left
> testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to
> check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put
> his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
>
> "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
>
> Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
>
> The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
> the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the
> examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely
> delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The
> doctor said," How does that feel now?"
>
> The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.
>
> What did you do?
>
> The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
>
:wink2:
The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and then say," I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I am afraid of sailing. Could you build a bridge from here to Hawaii?"
The genie looks at the man, " Are you crazy? Do you know how much material and time that will take?"
The man thinks again and says, " Then my last wish is to understand how women think."
"Would you like that bridge two lane or four?"
"I've noticed that myself," slurred his mate.
"You should go talk to him about that," says the first Irishman.
"I believe I will," says the second. And, grabbing another Guinness he heads over the corner wher the man is sitting.
"I've noticed that you look a lot like me," said the Irishman, sitting down. "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Dublin," came the response.
"Sure, an' I'm from Dublin, too," said the Irishman. "What street do you live on, then?" he asked.
"McCarthy Street." was the reply.
"I live on McCarthy Street too," said the flabbergasted Irishman. "What were your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon," was the answer.
"No, well I'll be buggered" said the Irishman . . .
At this point the bartender came round to the Irishman at the bar, nodded to the corner where the two men sat talking and asked, "What's up over there?"
"Not much," came the response, "Just the Murphy twins, drunk off their arses again" . . .
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day
went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to
their room,
she flopped on the bed and said,
" Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me! "
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but
it would not budge.
" Harder! " yelled Camilla, " Harder " Charles yelled back.
" I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight! "
" Come on! Give it all you've got! "she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and
Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good! "
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin! "
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
" Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter! "
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy who served in the Navy:
Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral! "
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
YouTube - Daffy Duck - Robin Hood Daffy
> > over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk..
> >
> > The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and
> > starts flipping through photos.. They start reminiscing.
> >
> > 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar.
> > He would have been 24 years old now.'
> >
> > 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother
> > cheerfully.
> >
> > He's a martyr now though— the mother confides.
> >
> > 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
> >
> > 'And this is my second son, Khalid.
> > He would have been 21.'
> >
> > 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily,
> > 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
> >
> > 'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly.
> >
> > 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other.
> >
> > 'And this is my third son. My baby.
> > My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18',
> > she whispers.
> >
> > Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember
> > when he first started school'
> >
> > 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother,
> > with tears in her eyes.
> >
> > After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
> > mother looks wistfully at the photographs and,
> > searching for the right words, says ... . ..
> >
> > 'They blow up so fast, don't they?’
Her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of
Them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little
Howie.
He replies, 'None, they
Will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies,
'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking...'
Then little Howie says,
'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women
Sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately
Licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling
Down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off
The top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a
Great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and
Sucked the cone.'
To which Little Howie
Replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I
Like your thinking.'
50+ reasons for a girl to choose a dog... and not a man
Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man
On the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
Good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat..'
Little Howie replied,
'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your
Grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Howie answered,
'No, he minded his own fuckin' Business.