Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school
parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car
and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and
never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and
Mark. They are both charged then with assault and both expelled even
though Johnny started it
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by
the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt
class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is
then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because
Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college
and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster
care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from
core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is
charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and
all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are
confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Just came across this one that I found to be really funny... Especially for frequent flyers..
*****************************************************
THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF FLYING
Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which one.
The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.
Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary.
Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will therefore be more dependable.
Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane.
Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies.
Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you gonna cheer for the Habs again this year?"
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you gonna cheer for the Habs again this year?"
Wait... the most clever thing that leafs fans can do is change around a toronto joke?
Getting your money in as a 75% fav is pretty funny.
Full Tilt Poker Game #24489485088: $3 + $0.30 KO Sit & Go (189563250), Table 5 - 15/30 - No Limit Hold'em - 18:21:38 ET - 2010/10/06
Seat 1: FosterSteele (2,520)
Seat 2: abramli (3,600)
Seat 3: vlr46 (3,000)
Seat 4: ultimate pwnz0r (3,000), is sitting out
Seat 5: Tmooner (2,880)
Seat 6: MHP243 (3,000)
Seat 7: Hobbes614 (3,000)
Seat 8: jeriac (3,000)
Seat 9: connman20 (3,000)
abramli posts the small blind of 15
vlr46 posts the big blind of 30
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Hobbes614 [Qh Qs]
ultimate pwnz0r folds
Tmooner calls 30
MHP243 folds
Hobbes614 has 15 seconds left to act
Hobbes614 raises to 150
jeriac folds
connman20 folds
FosterSteele calls 150
abramli folds
vlr46 folds
Tmooner folds
*** FLOP *** [7d 8h 3s]
Hobbes614 bets 375
FosterSteele raises to 1,230
Hobbes614 raises to 2,850, and is all in
FosterSteele calls 1,140, and is all in
Hobbes614 shows [Qh Qs]
FosterSteele shows [9c 8s]
Uncalled bet of 480 returned to Hobbes614
*** TURN *** [7d 8h 3s] [Js]
*** RIVER *** [7d 8h 3s Js] [9h]
Hobbes614 shows a pair of Queens
FosterSteele shows two pair, Nines and Eights
FosterSteele wins the pot (5,115) with two pair, Nines and Eights
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 5,115 | Rake 0
Board: [7d 8h 3s Js 9h]
Seat 1: FosterSteele (button) showed [9c 8s] and won (5,115) with two pair, Nines and Eights
Seat 2: abramli (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: vlr46 (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: ultimate pwnz0r didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Tmooner folded before the Flop
Seat 6: MHP243 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 7: Hobbes614 showed [Qh Qs] and lost with a pair of Queens
Seat 8: jeriac didn't bet (folded)
Seat 9: connman20 didn't bet (folded)
Hobbes...that was hilarious...only because it happened to YOU
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens tee while a
foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she
hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she
hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it
another five
feet
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those " F---ing Lessons"
I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you
have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......
Time for a new one.. Credit to ddmilcan who sent this to me in an email..
This is something for you young folks to look forward to.
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts
this is the code for you and send one to me ....
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO : Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI : Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
WSFB : Was Squeaky Floor Boards !
NPW : Never Pass a Washroom
NTF : Never Trust a Fart
Time for a new one.. Credit to ddmilcan who sent this to me in an email..
This is something for you young folks to look forward to.
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts
this is the code for you and send one to me ....
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO : Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI : Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
WSFB : Was Squeaky Floor Boards !
NPW : Never Pass a Washroom
NTF : Never Trust a Fart
Read bold as Gotta go, Pancakemaker Battery Low. I think I need a nap.
A women walked into her bedroom, and noticed a new mirror on the wall. She walks over to the mirror, and it says "I am a magic mirror.. say what you want, and it will come true!" She says I want 34DD... BAM.. Shes got 34DD.
The wife walks downstairs smiling and giggling, and the husband says "wow, what the heck happened to you!" She says go upstairs to the bedroom.
He goes up stairs into the room, and sees the mirror. He walks up and the mirror says "I am a magic mirror.. say what you want, and it will come true!" The husband says.. I want my dick to hit the floor!.. Right then..both his legs fall off.
I laughed for quite a while on this one lol. Could be because my 86 Grandmother told me it.
Young Johnnie goes into the local Hardware store looking for a summer job.
The owner is behind the counter and asks him, "What can I do for you young lad"?
Johnnie stated that he is looking for a summer job to save some money for college.
Owner: "Do you have any experience in retail sales"?
Johnnie: " No Sir but I am a fast learner".
Owner : I tell you what. Watch me with the first customer and then I will give you a chance with the second that comes in.
Johnnie: Okay
The first customer comes in and asks for a bag of grass seed.
The owner takes him to the back of the store and shows him several types of seed and manages to get him to buy some fertilizer also.
Now that you have seed and fertilizer how about a new Lawn Boy lawn Mower? They are on sale and while your lawn is growing nice and thick you will have a brand new lawn mower to cut it with.
The man buys the new mower and goes on his merry way.
You see Johnnie, You always try to make an extra sale that coincides with the original purchase.
You take care of the next customer and we will see how you do.
The next customer comes into the store.Johnnie is standing behind the counter with a big shit eating grin on his face.
How are you today Sir?
I am fine and how are you?
Very good thanks, How can I help you?
I am looking for a box of feminine things for my wife.
Okay they are just over here in the household items section
They walk back to the counter and Johnnie asks.
Would you like a new lawn mower with that today Sir?
The man looks at him and say's , What the Hell do I need a new lawn mower for with what I am buying.
Johnnie says , Well I can see your weekend is fucked so you might as well buy a new lawn mower and cut the GRASS!
Comments
"Make me one with everything"
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school
parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car
and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and
never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and
Mark. They are both charged then with assault and both expelled even
though Johnny started it
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by
the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt
class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is
then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because
Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college
and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster
care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from
core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is
charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and
all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are
confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
*****************************************************
THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF FLYING
Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which one.
The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.
Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary.
Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will therefore be more dependable.
Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane.
Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies.
Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you gonna cheer for the Habs again this year?"
Wait... the most clever thing that leafs fans can do is change around a toronto joke?
Mark
Full Tilt Poker Game #24489485088: $3 + $0.30 KO Sit & Go (189563250), Table 5 - 15/30 - No Limit Hold'em - 18:21:38 ET - 2010/10/06
Seat 1: FosterSteele (2,520)
Seat 2: abramli (3,600)
Seat 3: vlr46 (3,000)
Seat 4: ultimate pwnz0r (3,000), is sitting out
Seat 5: Tmooner (2,880)
Seat 6: MHP243 (3,000)
Seat 7: Hobbes614 (3,000)
Seat 8: jeriac (3,000)
Seat 9: connman20 (3,000)
abramli posts the small blind of 15
vlr46 posts the big blind of 30
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Hobbes614 [Qh Qs]
ultimate pwnz0r folds
Tmooner calls 30
MHP243 folds
Hobbes614 has 15 seconds left to act
Hobbes614 raises to 150
jeriac folds
connman20 folds
FosterSteele calls 150
abramli folds
vlr46 folds
Tmooner folds
*** FLOP *** [7d 8h 3s]
Hobbes614 bets 375
FosterSteele raises to 1,230
Hobbes614 raises to 2,850, and is all in
FosterSteele calls 1,140, and is all in
Hobbes614 shows [Qh Qs]
FosterSteele shows [9c 8s]
Uncalled bet of 480 returned to Hobbes614
*** TURN *** [7d 8h 3s] [Js]
*** RIVER *** [7d 8h 3s Js] [9h]
Hobbes614 shows a pair of Queens
FosterSteele shows two pair, Nines and Eights
FosterSteele wins the pot (5,115) with two pair, Nines and Eights
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 5,115 | Rake 0
Board: [7d 8h 3s Js 9h]
Seat 1: FosterSteele (button) showed [9c 8s] and won (5,115) with two pair, Nines and Eights
Seat 2: abramli (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: vlr46 (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: ultimate pwnz0r didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Tmooner folded before the Flop
Seat 6: MHP243 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 7: Hobbes614 showed [Qh Qs] and lost with a pair of Queens
Seat 8: jeriac didn't bet (folded)
Seat 9: connman20 didn't bet (folded)
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she
hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she
hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it
another five
feet
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those " F---ing Lessons"
I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you
have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......
This is something for you young folks to look forward to.
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts
this is the code for you and send one to me ....
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO : Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI : Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
WSFB : Was Squeaky Floor Boards !
NPW : Never Pass a Washroom
NTF : Never Trust a Fart
Read bold as Gotta go, Pancakemaker Battery Low. I think I need a nap.
so all the people who don't like me can kiss my ass!
They never would have said Shit in C&H
Mark
I copy/pasted as received
HONEST... and I'm not BLUFFING anymore either
Milton "Honest Abe" Slim
no! this is the one where calvin's dad beat the shit out of him with a belt for swearing and tracking pooh all over the house
The wife walks downstairs smiling and giggling, and the husband says "wow, what the heck happened to you!" She says go upstairs to the bedroom.
He goes up stairs into the room, and sees the mirror. He walks up and the mirror says "I am a magic mirror.. say what you want, and it will come true!" The husband says.. I want my dick to hit the floor!.. Right then..both his legs fall off.
I laughed for quite a while on this one lol. Could be because my 86 Grandmother told me it.
The owner is behind the counter and asks him, "What can I do for you young lad"?
Johnnie stated that he is looking for a summer job to save some money for college.
Owner: "Do you have any experience in retail sales"?
Johnnie: " No Sir but I am a fast learner".
Owner : I tell you what. Watch me with the first customer and then I will give you a chance with the second that comes in.
Johnnie: Okay
The first customer comes in and asks for a bag of grass seed.
The owner takes him to the back of the store and shows him several types of seed and manages to get him to buy some fertilizer also.
Now that you have seed and fertilizer how about a new Lawn Boy lawn Mower? They are on sale and while your lawn is growing nice and thick you will have a brand new lawn mower to cut it with.
The man buys the new mower and goes on his merry way.
You see Johnnie, You always try to make an extra sale that coincides with the original purchase.
You take care of the next customer and we will see how you do.
The next customer comes into the store.Johnnie is standing behind the counter with a big shit eating grin on his face.
How are you today Sir?
I am fine and how are you?
Very good thanks, How can I help you?
I am looking for a box of feminine things for my wife.
Okay they are just over here in the household items section
They walk back to the counter and Johnnie asks.
Would you like a new lawn mower with that today Sir?
The man looks at him and say's , What the Hell do I need a new lawn mower for with what I am buying.
Johnnie says , Well I can see your weekend is fucked so you might as well buy a new lawn mower and cut the GRASS!