Humour..When you get/hear a good one
Depressing Jan/FEb is over... But I wanted to share this cute little ditty
This could be our version of" Laughter, the Best Medicine"
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are such assholes .:):-X>:D
This could be our version of" Laughter, the Best Medicine"
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are such assholes .:):-X>:D
Comments
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to
worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and
watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came
to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but
I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
2. HIS JOURNAL
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
this isn't funny its true.
Winner
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then" asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my Mom and Dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a crappy hockey player, and your Dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"
Kristen has to think about this for a moment.
"Nope!" she replies "That'd mean I'm an American!"
The man replies, "Well, every day I ride a horse around, I wrangle cattle, I dress up like this, and I do a the normal things cowboys do. So, yeah I am a real cowboy."
The woman responds, "Wow that's neat. I'm a lesbian myself. Every day I wake up and think about women. I shower while thinking about women. I even think about women all day at work. You could say I do all the things that lesbians do."
A little while later, a couple comes and sits down near the cowboy as well. "Hey!" says the male, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy responds, "Well, I used to think so, but now I think I might be a lesbian."
The next day a beautiful young woman shows up at his front door wearing nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He lurches out the door, attempting to catch the lovely young woman, but to no avail. This pattern continues for the entire week, and he is surprised to see that he had lost 11 lbs in that time.
He was so pleased, he signed up for the spas "advanced weight-loss program" which guaranteed that he would lose 20 lbs. in a week. The next day, an even more beautiful woman appeared at his door, with a similar sign, and the chase was on . . . by the end of his second week he had lost an additional 24 lbs. and had almost caught the gorgeous woman on his final day.
He immediately signed on for another week of the spa's "Maximum weight-loss program". This program guaranteed he would lose 35 lbs. in one week, or all his $$$ would be refunded, including all previous offers. He went home and awaited the knock on the door. The next day the knock came but, instead of a nubile young woman at his door, he was confronted with a buff athletic looking young man wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign that read, "If I catch you, you're all mine."
He lost 41 lbs.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Rangers tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilizing it instantly.The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the
people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Who Needs Tiger, Let's get Playin'
I'm getting the itch again, in a good way!!!
Milton Slim
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth. It's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's the Province of Ontario , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and beaches.. The people from the Ontario are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."
God smiled, "There's Toronto ! Wait till you see the hockey team I put there."
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
Answer:
A crazy bitch who will find you!
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple,
and peach* trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket* to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Gerry, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering.......
Gerry............
Gerry ..............
Gerry..........
Gerry........
..........you're a fucking vet.
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she
could say 'Fuck!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
YouTube - Buddy Wasisname - The Whipper Snipper Joke
> Advertiser Newspaper in Kentville , N.S. And bought a mule for $100.
> The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next
> day.
> The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
> "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
> Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us
> our money back.."
>
> The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and
> spent it already."
> They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead
> mule."
> The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna
> do with a dead mule?"
>
> Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
> The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead
> mule!"
> Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta
> tell nobody he's dead!"
> A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into
> Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:
>
> "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead
> mule?"
> They said,"We raffled him off like we said we
> wuz gonna do."
> Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two
> dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
> The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone
> complain?"
> Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got
> upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
> Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
> They're overseeing McGuinty's Harmonization
> Sales Tax Plan.
"I like to play poker naked, cause everytime I look down I see the nuts"
I see me belly!
Milton Slim
:-\:-\:D
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.