Just in case you have forgotten over the winter months.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a thirty foot putt. For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 am to mow the grass.
A good drive on the 18 th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)..
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery!
Billy Bob is driving his rig down an old country road. He comes along 2 rigs parked on the side.
He pulls over thinking, Those look like Charlie and Leroy's rigs.
He gets out of his truck and strolls into the woods.
He comes across Leroy. He has Charlie bent over a fallen tree and is going to town.
Billy Bob: " What in tarnations are you doing to Charlie"?
Leroy: " Oh Billy Charlie had a HEART ATTACK"
Billy Bob. Aren't you supposed to give him mouth to mouth resucitation"?
Leroy: " How in the hell ya think this started!
DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS JOKE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED !
Bob and his wife Elaine had spent most of the night arguing about everything you could think of so that morning he decided to make up with her and headed to the mall to buy her a present.
He walked into the pet store and began browsing.
Clerk: " Can I help you with something Mr"?
Bob: " Well. I am looking for a make up gift for my wife."
Clerk: " I have the perfect gift for you sir. Come back here with me."
They walk to the back of the store to a large cage. Inside is a small cute monkey.
Bob; " A monkey!
Clerk; " It's not just any monkey, this one is special, and smart."
Bob: " What's so special about this monkey?"
Clerk; " It's a rare co$#suc#ing Monkey?"
Bob: " What the f#c&?"
Clerk : Honest to God, Look take it home for a couple of days and if you or the wife do not like it than bring it back.
Bob takes the monkey home . He is sitting on the couch watching the ball game and looks down at the other end. The monkey is sitting there quietly staring at him.
oh what the hell. He whips out is wang and the monkey jumps on him and gives him the Hummer of his life.
A couple of hours later Elaine walks through the door and Bob is sitting on the couch with a shit eating grin on his face.
Elaine: " What are you so happy about?"
Bob: I bought you a present and it's in the kitchen.
Elaine goes into the kitchen. " WTF is this monkey doing in my kitchen?"
Bob: it's a [EMAIL="co#ksu@&ing"]co#ksu%&ing[/EMAIL] monkey.
Elaine : WTF am I gonna do with a co#ksu%&ing monkey?
Bob: Teach it to COOK AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT!
:)A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
Quickies..I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
This whole thread is interesting in many ways, you can say offensive.
But it's the Milton/Waterloo posse so it's ok.
Dear Phil
I barely know you, met you a time or two, and have no problem with you.... but I gotta say, take off the diva cap and stop pretendin you're some kinda victim.
I barely know you, met you a time or two, and have no problem with you.... but I gotta say, take off the diva cap and stop pretendin you're some kinda victim.
That is all
Mark
I am not, just showing there is no difference between me and anyone else which was asked.
just to show I am the better man I will erase it as it can be plainly see i have a valid point.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Went to the Randy Travis concert with my mom tonight and he told this one:
Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter. He is escorted to his new home, which is a small shack with just enough room to sit. He figures that's the way it is and goes to sleep.
The next morning, he wakes up and sees a mansion bigger than anything he'd ever seen, with a gorgeous golf course behind it and well manicured lawns in front. There's a man there tending to the garden, so Bill asks what he did in his life to get such a wonderful home in the here after.
"I was the captain of the Titanic."
Bill, somewhat confused, goes to speak to St. Peter. He says to him "I'm confused St. Peter. I have this small shack with just enough room to sit. The man next to me has a mansion bigger than anything he'd ever seen, with a gorgeous golf course behind it and well manicured lawns in front. Do you realize who I am and what I did for the world? I'm Bill Gates. I created Windows."
St. Peter says "Yes, I know. We use Windows up here. The Titanic only crashed once."
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
A Newfie is driving home from his local pub, three sheets to the wind, when an RCMP Officer pulls him over. The Officer is a female recruit, and is anxious to assert her authority. She approaches the vehicle and as the Newfie gets out of his car and attempts a friendly greeting . . .
"I pulled you over for impaired driving. Anything you say now will be held against you . . ." says the young officer.
The Newfie ponders this and says, "Tits".
Comments
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a thirty foot putt. For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 am to mow the grass.
A good drive on the 18 th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)..
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery!
?
He is going to the bar tonight and says he will be ordering Ovechkins' all night.
"Oh, and what is that?" asks the dj.
"A white russian, with no ice, and no cup!"
LOLOL
That is all.
He pulls over thinking, Those look like Charlie and Leroy's rigs.
He gets out of his truck and strolls into the woods.
He comes across Leroy. He has Charlie bent over a fallen tree and is going to town.
Billy Bob: " What in tarnations are you doing to Charlie"?
Leroy: " Oh Billy Charlie had a HEART ATTACK"
Billy Bob. Aren't you supposed to give him mouth to mouth resucitation"?
Leroy: " How in the hell ya think this started!
Bob and his wife Elaine had spent most of the night arguing about everything you could think of so that morning he decided to make up with her and headed to the mall to buy her a present.
He walked into the pet store and began browsing.
Clerk: " Can I help you with something Mr"?
Bob: " Well. I am looking for a make up gift for my wife."
Clerk: " I have the perfect gift for you sir. Come back here with me."
They walk to the back of the store to a large cage. Inside is a small cute monkey.
Bob; " A monkey!
Clerk; " It's not just any monkey, this one is special, and smart."
Bob: " What's so special about this monkey?"
Clerk; " It's a rare co$#suc#ing Monkey?"
Bob: " What the f#c&?"
Clerk : Honest to God, Look take it home for a couple of days and if you or the wife do not like it than bring it back.
Bob takes the monkey home . He is sitting on the couch watching the ball game and looks down at the other end. The monkey is sitting there quietly staring at him.
oh what the hell. He whips out is wang and the monkey jumps on him and gives him the Hummer of his life.
A couple of hours later Elaine walks through the door and Bob is sitting on the couch with a shit eating grin on his face.
Elaine: " What are you so happy about?"
Bob: I bought you a present and it's in the kitchen.
Elaine goes into the kitchen. " WTF is this monkey doing in my kitchen?"
Bob: it's a [EMAIL="co#ksu@&ing"]co#ksu%&ing[/EMAIL] monkey.
Elaine : WTF am I gonna do with a co#ksu%&ing monkey?
Bob: Teach it to COOK AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT!
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
5. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
12. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
14. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
21. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
22. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
23. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
24. Every calendar's days are numbered.
25. A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine.
26. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
27. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
29. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
30. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
31. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
32. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
"Boy's wish for flying car fullfilled for 3,4 seconds"
"Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy group rape"
your a sick puppy, but I laughed too!
Milton Slim
Just kidding, trying to remember how to put pixs in the thread!
You can have an awesome cat
Dear Phil
I barely know you, met you a time or two, and have no problem with you.... but I gotta say, take off the diva cap and stop pretendin you're some kinda victim.
That is all
Mark
I am not, just showing there is no difference between me and anyone else which was asked.
just to show I am the better man I will erase it as it can be plainly see i have a valid point.
You really need to understand the definition of "context" Phil. A humor thread and something said in anger have completely different meanings.
But, you are never wrong..so I guess the case is closed.
When will people really understand and apply this???!?
Mark
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
This is a good one. lmao
Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter. He is escorted to his new home, which is a small shack with just enough room to sit. He figures that's the way it is and goes to sleep.
The next morning, he wakes up and sees a mansion bigger than anything he'd ever seen, with a gorgeous golf course behind it and well manicured lawns in front. There's a man there tending to the garden, so Bill asks what he did in his life to get such a wonderful home in the here after.
"I was the captain of the Titanic."
Bill, somewhat confused, goes to speak to St. Peter. He says to him "I'm confused St. Peter. I have this small shack with just enough room to sit. The man next to me has a mansion bigger than anything he'd ever seen, with a gorgeous golf course behind it and well manicured lawns in front. Do you realize who I am and what I did for the world? I'm Bill Gates. I created Windows."
St. Peter says "Yes, I know. We use Windows up here. The Titanic only crashed once."
about Roger Clemens
announcer says: " Who does he think he is... OJ Simpson!
Tickled my funny bone
Milton Slim
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
"I pulled you over for impaired driving. Anything you say now will be held against you . . ." says the young officer.
The Newfie ponders this and says, "Tits".