Tell me a joke
Hey all, I haven't seen this done in the off topic yet, Here's a joke I read today, childish humour? ...maybe a bit. I liked it. Post one that you like.
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
Comments
Whats the difference between a priest and acne?
PL: Acne usually comes on a boys face after age 12.
What do you call a gay guys scotum?
PL: Mud flaps.
What do you tell a women with 2 blacks eyes?
PL: Fuck, I've told you twice?
What is the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
PL: Cowboy hats are for assholes.
Why do women get periods?
PL: Because they deserve them.
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Mark
Good twist Mark!
So I said to the guy with no arms and legs skiing ....................SKIP
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large
>farm for several years. He
>had a large pond in the back. It was properly
>shaped for swimming,
>so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables,
>horseshoe courts, and some apple and
>peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided
>to go down to the pond, as he
>hadn't been there for a while, and look it
>over. He grabbed a five gallon
>bucket to bring back some fruit.
>As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
>and laughing with glee.
>As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
>young women skinny-dipping in
>his pond. He made the women aware of his
>presence and they all went to the deep
>end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're
>not coming out until youleave!" The old
>man frowned, "I didn't come
>down here to watch you ladies swim
>naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
>Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to
>feed the alligator."
>
>Moral: Old men can still think fast.
The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.
Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that god's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan?
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
> has
> > > >>> always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
> sale
> > >one
> > > >>> day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks
> into
> > >the
> > > >>> house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about
> me?"
> > >Bessie
> > > >>> looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the
> bathroom,
> > > >>> undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except
> for
> > >the
> > > >>> boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
> anything
> > > >>> different now??" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's
> different?
> > >It's
> > > >>> hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll
> > > >>> be hanging down again tomorrow."
> > > >>> Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,
> BESSIE?
> > > >>> IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
> > > >>> To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda
> bought a
> > > >>> hat."
the first guest arrives wearing all green, and says "hi, i'm green with envy!" the host invites him in.
a while later, a lady ocmes in all pink and said "I'm tickled pink!!!" she was let in.
halfway through the party though, two rastafarians came to the door. both nude, one with his member lying in a plate of custard, and one with his inserted into a pear.
the host says "you have got to be kidding me! what are you guys supposed to be?
one man says yo, I"m f*cking dis'custud, and he's deep in dis pear!
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
The first sausage turns over and says to the second sausage "Man, is it ever HOT over here!"
The second sausage gasps and says, "Holy shit!! A TAKING SAUSGE!!!"
Getting quite upset, the Newfie hurried home...
and shot his dog.
Nothing...They were both stuck-up bitches.
>>
>> A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made
>> of
>> Saran Wrap.
>>
>> The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Milton Slimmer
>> > >>> her
>> >two
>> > >>> kids.
>> > >>> The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?
>> > >>> The ugly woman says "No! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger
>> >one,
>> > >>> she's 7.
>> > >>>
>> > >>> "Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
>> > >>>
>> > >>> "No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
>> > >>> twice!"
>> > >>>
Opening day... vs. the Red Sox... 9th inning... Yankees down by 1, runner on first... Torre puts the horse in to pinch-hit... first pitch, the horse cranks a long drive to center that goes off the top of the wall and stays in the park... the crowd goes crazy, everyones on their feet... but the horse still stands in the batters box...
"RUN" roars the crowd.
"RUN" yell the players.
"RUN" yells Torre.
The horse turns to look at the manager... "RUN???... If I could run, I'd be at Belmont!"
BOOO YYAAHHH!!!
SRS