"O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen."
I'm gonna pull some Jay and Silent Bob type shit on these people. Once I win the lottery I will fly to every place these people live and just beat the shit out of them.
It's seriously blowing my mind that in 2010 people can still believe some of this shit.
I sure as shit hope so, I know the god fearing american right wing nuts are out to lunch but this is just too funny to be true,
How to Perform an EMERGENCY Baptism!
Jesus prefers a proper baptism performed by a pastor, but there are times when an Emergency Baptism is needed and in these cases HE may call upon a layperson to perform an Emergency Baptism.
When an Emergency Baptism called for:
The candidate urgently requests baptism.
Despite having received the best available medical attention, the candidate is reasonably worried that they might die.
You have tried and failed to contact a member of the clergy, or a member of the clergy cannot arrive in time.
Performing a Emergency Baptism: Make sure your intentions are to perform a baptism, what I mean is make sure you aren't interrogating a witch, horsing around in a swimming pool, or looking for a stringer full of Largemouth Bass that your hubby dropped in the lake. Water must be involved, so locate a pool of water. Avoid those funny round cement structures with an arm that goes around in circles spraying water! Immerse the person to be baptised and recite Matthew 28:19; “I baptize you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” Finally, if this person is an accident victim, or appears to be unconscious or worse, remember to call 911 after the baptism.
A few final thoughts:
Many folks live their entire lives without performing an Emergency Baptism. Don't be too eager to offer such a service. It is not uncommon for a person who is being stoned to beg for baptism, but this is usually just a ploy to avoid the suffering they deserve. Be absolutely sure that the person requesting an Emergency Baptism is truly repentant.
__________________
I had to go back and look at it again. I too was deceived as if my mind was clouded by the devil. Being a fairly outspoken athiest, friends often love to bring anything to do with fundamentalist nutjobs to my attention. It can be entertaining and decent fodder for debating for a while but it can alse be a bit much to take when you see soooo many crazy people out there.
This refreshing satire is just the palate cleanser I needed to renew my struggle to fight the good fight. Thanks
Based on the research of Bob Riggins, Science Academy of South Texas
A list of groups in league with the anti-morality evilutionist conspiracy.
The following groups of people CANNOT BE TRUSTED. Do not read anything they write, or use any device that they have invented.
(In no particular order: )
Geologists
Even before Darwin, it was geologists who began to claim that the Earth is older than 6004 years. And modern geology stubbornly refuses to yield up its hidden proof of a universal flood, or the recent and coeval existence of all creatures, living and extinct.
Physicists
Invented all sorts of laws, like decay rates of isotopes, the non-decaying speed of light, the refraction of light to produce rainbows, etc., all of which disagree with the the Book of Genesis. And to add insult to injury, physicists can't seem to see the truth that evolution violates the Second Law of Thermodynamics --a fact that every good creationist knows, even without a degree in physics!
Defenders of the Scientific Method and peer review
Every heard of creation scientists engaging in peer review? Or a creation scientist being celebrated for proving another creation scientist wrong? Of course not - REAL science is based on finding the facts in the bible and then looking for evidence to back it up, not finding evidence and then coming to a conclusion. Yet the enemies opf morality still claim that the "scientific method" is a legitimate lifestyle choice.
Zoologists
The Bible says bats are birds. (Leviticus 11:13, 11:19) Lying zoologists claim they are rodents.
Brain surgeons
The New Testement states clearly that the mind is in the heart. (Esther 6:6, Proverbs 23:7, Isaiah 10:7, Matt 9:4) People who claim the brain is used for thinking are plainly and simply anti-biblical.
Astronomers and anyone who talks about "stars"
The Book of revelations states that stars are little things which can fall to earth. (Revelations 1:16, 6:13, 8:10, 9:1, 12:4) Astronomers made up lies about them being bigger than earth and far away.
Geophysicists and their Plate Tectonics
South America and Africa match like perfect puzzle pieces because God thought they looked prettier than that. This whole continents moving a few inches every year more millions of years denies the Biblican truth that the world is 6004 years old.
Propagandists of Original Thought
Creationism is about believing without question a particular interpretation of scripture. Indeed, in a belief system of that nature, any questioning or original thought about the revealed knowledge is not only incorrect, it is sinful. (In the anti-American world of science, on the other hand, questioning and testing of accepted or authoritative beliefs is the method--it's what you're supposed to do. No wonder scientists are known to cook and eat fetuses they pick up drive-through at Planned Parenthood clinics.)
Mathematics teachers and other believers in Pi
In the Bible Pi is a neat 3 (reflecting the trinity, no doubt) while math teachers believe it is an ugly, messy 3.14159. Despite some legal attempts in some state legislatures to return it to the divine purity of 3, pi has hardened its heart and refused to conform to the biblically prescribed norm.
Believers in Micro-organisms
Mircoscoptic creatures are never mentioned in the Bible at all, so we are forced to do a lot of rewriting of Genesis to account for their day of creation, and their presence or absence on the Ark.
Believers in the Ice Ages
They have to have occurred since the Flood, since the surface of the Earth was reworked by the Flood (to create, for instance, the Grand Canyon practically overnight), which would have messed up all those marks of glaciers on the landscape. That means mile-thick ice sheets had to advance and retreat again and again, across half the Northern Hemisphere, with the speed of freight trains, but without this miracle being recorded in the Bible.
I say it's easier just to deny that Ice Ages ever happened.
Meterologists and weathermen and pilots
The Bible clearly states that the sky is a solid dome, a "firmament," which was firm enough to separate waters above it from those below on the Earth. By Noah's time it was still solid enough to have windows in it that had to be opened to let the rain through. I think that false-Christians that spite on Gid's face by calling it "poetic metaphor" have given in to the godless materialists! The Bible really is literal, in the true sense of the word. The sky was a hard firmament with windows in it-and anybody who says different is a mealy-mouthed evolution-sympathizer.
Peleontologists and anyone who Digs up Fossils
First of all, extinct creatures don't exist in our perfect Creation, since their very extinction implies that they were not so perfect. And there are so darn many of them, of so many different kinds. Here are some creation-scientific explanations of what fossils are and how they got there:
o Dinosaurs were too big to go on the Ark, so they got buried in the mud of the Flood.
o Extinct creatures were on the Ark. They died out later.
o Fossils never were animals. They're a hoax by Satan and/or materialistic science.
o Fossils never were animals. They're a hoax by God to test your faith.
Believers in DNA
How convientent that this "science" would turn up and confirm predictions of relationships made by evolutionary theory perfectly. And what a dirty trick to have human DNA fit right into the distribution, right next door to the chimps'! Obviously a hoax.
According to believers in DNA, the ultimate blueprint for building entire human beings turns out to be just plain chemicals, with nothing magical or even particularly unusual that sets humans aside from other living things. And those geneticists can even tinker with the stuff, and build new creatures. They can replace defective genes in people, thwarting God's will that people be crippled and die. I'm sure something was put into Leviticus to forbid such ungodliness, we just haven't managed to find and interpret it yet.
Police who won't arrest evil-utionists
Everyone knows that belief in evolution destroys their faith in the Bible, so naturally they have no moral guide and no fear of eternal damnation, and since they think we came from monkeys, they see ourselves as animals with no eternal souls. In short, they've managed to cover all their crimes up. People belive in evolution in Europe, and we all know how that entire continent has collapsed into a barbarism that makes the fall of Rome look like peanuts.
False creationist scientists
Old-Earthers and Multiple-Catastrophists have given in to "liberal" (if not to say Satanic) influences. Some years there are multiple Ark-hunting expeditions to Turkey, and often both of them are obstructing the progress of true Bible science.
Best way to tell a real creation scientist from a false one: ask them if they've ever read the Bible all the way through, cover-to-cover. 97% of the time the answer will be no. They're sure every word is literally true, and the divine message of God, but somehow they've never quite found the time to actually read the thing. Are you willing to put your soul in the hands of such people?
Doctors who deal with Ribs
We know, on good authority (by creationists, whose scientific authority is the Bible, and what could be more authoritative?), that men have one less rib than women, because one of Adam's ribs was removed to mold into Eve. However, we generally become confused upon being asked if that means one less pair of ribs, or just one rib missing from one side. The reason we don't know is because liberal-bias doctors have been hiding this information from us.
People who belive in Viruses
In the first place, nothing even remotely like them is even remotely alluded to in either Testament. About the only biblical disease is leprosy and the Bible does not say it was cause by any sort of so called "micro-organism". Egyptian cattle suffered a "murrain"-- with no cause other than a divine curse. Then there are the "emerods" (hemorrhoids) with which God afflicted some folks he was miffed at.
Two solid creation science facts to remember:
o The Devil created viruses.
o Viruses are not in the Bible because they are "imperfect."
But the really disturbing thing about these so-called "viruses" is that they occupy the twilight zone between living and dead, a zone that does not exist in a creation in which creatures were "given life," or have "the breath of life." Can they be alive if they don't move, breathe, eat, excrete, or metabolize at all, and can even be crystallized, like other non-living chemicals? Can they be dead if they can self-replicate (reproduce) using the same basic methods as other living things, parasitize other creatures, and are made of nearly the same proteins and nucleic acids as we are? Sounds like a hoax to me!
People who study Insects
These heathens claim that bugs have so many generations of nasty babies so often that in just a few years they can evolve. Those ugly boll weevils, for instance, develop resistance to pesticides; and those filthy peppered moths in England (Darwin's home--coincidence? I don't think so.) change the shade of their camouflage. Evolutionists want to call those piddlin' changes "evolution"--which just shows that they don't even know what the term means. So we creationists have to tell them that "evolution" means apes popping out human babies. You'd think them evil-utionists'd have that straight by now.
Paleontologists
Creationists investigators keep discovering human footprints in the same strata as dinosaur bones or footprints, and the liberal-bias paleontologists keep deny it.
People who belive in Craters
Few things are eviler than scientists that invented all those pesky asteroid craters which are supposedly found all over the planet, throughout all geological strata. The Bible is silent on such devastating impacts as Meteor Crater in Arizona, the Ring Lakes in Quebec, and that biggie that they claim dusted off the dinosaurs and created all that my beautiful beachfront property on the Yucatan peninsula. Scientists even clain there was a "Chicxulub event" creating a 170 km crater, which had to have caused worldwide devastation, and thus would have at least been noted in passing by some biblical patriarch or another. In short, those "craters" are typical frauds.
People who Believe in Other Planets and the Moon Landing Hoax
Anybody notice that, rather convieniently for the gay-marryers, in the last few years astronomers, have begun to discover other planets around other suns (over 100 supposedly located so far) ? And they even claim that several of those solar systems are at several of the stages of planetary-system evolution hypothesized for the evolution of our own system?
There is not one line in the scientifically accurate Bible which acknowledge that there are other worlds. In fact, the Bible clearly states the the moon is nothing but a "lesser light" hung in the sky. (Genesis 1:16) If it was possible to walk on the moon, the bible would say so. Clearly NASA was a typical waste of tax dollars, the money was obviously sent to pay black women to breed more.
Arrogant Scientists in General
Your average creation scientist has almost an entire year of college, and clearly knows more about paleontology than Bakker or Horner or Currie, knows more about the definition of evolution than Gould or Dawkins, knows more about biology than Dobzhansky or Mayr, knows more about cosmology than Hawking, Kaku, or Witten, and more about human fossils than Johanson or the Leakeys. He knows more true geology than geologists, more physics than physicists, more astronomy than astronomers--and more about everything than atheists like Asimov or Sagan. Scientists deny this fact only out of pure arrogance.
Liberal-bias universities that hand out degrees and credentials to evolutionists.
True scientists (creationists) get their science degrees from non-accredited religious institutions rather than accredited schools and universities.
Just how useless are liberal-bias universities? Fifty bucks and an SASE, and you're a Ph.D., ready and qualified to refute evolution! Meanwhile stupid scientists spend far more on a far inferior education!
Chemists
Chemists, being somewhat familiar with how elements and molecules combine and recombine non-randomly, haven't risen up as a body to declare the chemical origin or subsequent evolution of life to be a flat-out impossibility. Now why do you suppose that is? Obviosly because they are part of the conspiracy to marry gays and force children to view Janet Jackson's breasts.
Dendrochronologists
That means tree-ring counting. Dendrochronologists, by matching patterns in annual growth rings, claim they can establish a sequence in living, dead, and long-dead trees in certain areas of the world. That can be a very reliable dating technique for, say, a beam used in an ancient shelter. But this archeological specialty is completely useless and unreliable, since in some areas ring sequences extend back through the date of the Flood, showing no evidence of same, and indeed way past the 6004 years ago when God created the world.
Believers in Varves
According to scientists those are annual layers deposited in lake beds. In some places they are clearly distinguishable because of varying colors and compositions of materials deposited in different seasons. They claim it's they can see them form, over a few years, and that they know exactly what causes them and that they do, in fact, represent one year per layer. The problem, of course, is that there are lakes in the world with many times the 6,000 annual varves that could have been laid down since the Creation. That means the entire science is a fraud.
P.S. Annual ice layers in Greenland and elsewhere are also Satanic deceptions.
The Nobel Prize Committee
...Is completely blind to the enlightenment brought to the world by creation scientists. Is that because creation science would overturn so many preconceived notions of the scientific establishment, with its deeply-rooted prejudice against all things Christian?
I would like to know, quite seriously, when the last time was that ANY biblical-literalist-creationist won a Nobel prize in ANY field. Also, has anyone ever won for any work that patently supports a major creationist principle? Clearly the Nobel Prize Commitee has a liberal bias!
People who collect Beetles
These bug-pinners claim God have a beetle fixation. They claim there's over 50,000 species of them, but that's a lie because they would not have fit on the ark.
British biologist, J.B.S. Haldane, on being asked what one could conclude as to the nature of God from a study of his creation, Haldane is said to have answered, "An inordinate fondness for beetles." He's burning in hell.
People who belive in the efficacy of Science
Anything created by evilutionists and the scientific method is untrustworthy. Don't trust medical science, computers, etc. etc. Only trust inventions invented by creation scientists, and devices that operate on laws of nature discovered by creation scientists.
Evolutionary biology manages to get it right when you want improved corn yields, or a vaccine ready for this year's flu strain, but these things will fall apart and backfire soon enough, because the only trustworthy way to discover and invent things is creation science.
People with Ambiguous Gender
Although Genesis tells us that God created Man and Woman, there are some unfortunate folks around who are hermaphrodites or have ambiguous genitalia. Hermaphrodites therefore are mass produced by evolutonists to confuse believers.
Anyone who uses Insulin
According to scientists, the human insulin available for diabetics today is made by genetically engineered E. coli bacteria! What does that have to do with evolution? Real human genes were spliced into bacterial DNA using recombinant techniques, so the nasty germs now churn out authentic human insulin. Kind of sounds like the stuff that makes us human and the stuff that makes germs germy is the same kind of stuff, and is almost as interchangeable as tinkertoys. Maybe it shows that we're closely enough related to our own intestinal bacteria that we can stick a bit of human being into them without their minding terribly. Sounds like a fraud! Obviously it is prayer that keep Diabetics alive, not this fraudulent "insulin", which can be banned with no ill effects.
Users of Big Numbers
Millions, billions, trillions... especially as applied to years, light-years, species, etc. God built the universe to a comfortable human scale. Claims of really big stretches of time, are particularily satanic.
Jesus, between the Lego island, the porn 'stache, and getting in good with the ladies at Landover Baptist, where the hell am I going to find time for poker?
Comments
"Re: Proof that the Negro was Designed to be a Servant Race"
It's seriously blowing my mind that in 2010 people can still believe some of this shit.
YouTube - Ezekiel 25:17
Can you just tell me the punchline..I looked at the site and don't see it.
How to Perform an EMERGENCY Baptism!
Jesus prefers a proper baptism performed by a pastor, but there are times when an Emergency Baptism is needed and in these cases HE may call upon a layperson to perform an Emergency Baptism.
When an Emergency Baptism called for:
The candidate urgently requests baptism.
Despite having received the best available medical attention, the candidate is reasonably worried that they might die.
You have tried and failed to contact a member of the clergy, or a member of the clergy cannot arrive in time.
Performing a Emergency Baptism:
Make sure your intentions are to perform a baptism, what I mean is make sure you aren't interrogating a witch, horsing around in a swimming pool, or looking for a stringer full of Largemouth Bass that your hubby dropped in the lake. Water must be involved, so locate a pool of water. Avoid those funny round cement structures with an arm that goes around in circles spraying water! Immerse the person to be baptised and recite Matthew 28:19; “I baptize you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” Finally, if this person is an accident victim, or appears to be unconscious or worse, remember to call 911 after the baptism.
A few final thoughts:
Many folks live their entire lives without performing an Emergency Baptism. Don't be too eager to offer such a service. It is not uncommon for a person who is being stoned to beg for baptism, but this is usually just a ploy to avoid the suffering they deserve. Be absolutely sure that the person requesting an Emergency Baptism is truly repentant.
__________________
......phuuuuuuuc.....
Pastor Ezekiel
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
don't click the evil link if you love the Landover Baptist Church
Landover Baptist Church - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This refreshing satire is just the palate cleanser I needed to renew my struggle to fight the good fight. Thanks
Funniest site ever!!!
Check out the creationist forum... I suspect the whole site is a big level....
praise be to allah!
You are all going to Hell. Especially that papist Mike Gregory.
No men? What is this? Isle of Lesbos?
And what do Lego have to do with it?
"Latin is dead to me"
Ya know, this could be +ev, after all . . .