The Craziest Shit Happened to me Last Night
Ok Wow. This is some crazy shit. I have never seen anything like this.
Last night I was working until 9PM. I lock up and start my drive home when I realize that I am thirsty as hell and start to hanker for some Vitamin Water. It quenches the thirst that god damn Vitamin Water.
On my way home there is a little variety store. It is not in a strip mall. The store just sits on a corner in a residential neighborhood. Once upon a time it was someone’s home but now it is just a convenient place to buy tobacco, lotto, $10 porn DVD’s and god damn Vitamin Water. Parking is in the rear and poorly lit. They obviously have an ATM cash box inside with a god awful rake and a token Asian behind the counter who I have never seen without a telephone in her ear.
Like seriously, can’t they lose the fucking telephone while they are serving a customer? If I am going to drop 10 bucks on a pack of cigs in their establishment they really shouldn’t subject me to the grating, “Wang, Dang, Chang…” of their native tongue while they get my order wrong. Plus all of these conversations sound like they are having a fight. It makes me uncomfortable. And thirsty for god damn Vitamin Water.
So I park my truck behind this shithole and head in to claim my bounty of Essential Vitamin Water. It is orange flavored with Vitamin C added. This stuff is sunshine in a bottle if you ask me and quenches my thirst like no other. The flavoring is timid but without a doubt citrus. It reminds me of the Mamacita’s I met the summer I worked in the Orange groves of Riverside County. Their lips and nipples always tasted faintly of citrus and salt, like a titty magaritia. Those were fine days my friends. We were Jolly green giants walking the earth. God damn I love Vitamin Water.
Some young guy and his scabby girlfriend almost run over me as they exit the store. No apology, no excuse me, just barrel straight in to me and shoot me a look like I was a piece of dog shit. Normally I get a bit offended by this type of crap but this time I hardly even noticed. I could see the orange glow coming from one of the back coolers and it entranced me. It was like looking into the light glowing from the end of ET’s finger. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t deviate, my feet just took over and led me to the Shangri-la that is the god damn Vitamin Water cooler.
I have no real memory of the next minute or so. Just flashes of orange, the feeling of smooth plastic against my skin. The sound of my heart beating in my ears, so full and heavy, its pace quickening as I feel the coolness of the bottle in my grip. I think I just threw a fiver at the clerk and kept going. I don’t remember. There was no change in my pocket when I got home.
The cap on the bottle opened with out any effort and the click of the safety tab breaking sounded like the perfect note struck at the perfect time. Minimalist, emotional, just a hint of vibrato. I was striding around the corner to the back lot and my truck with the bottle just inches from my lips the goodness just about to fill me when I heard them.
This couple was arguing in the parking lot. The same two from the store. Their plastic bag filled with convenient treasures was broken and laying on the ground. I saw a busted bag of wings and blue cheese flavored Doritios (TR anyone?), a couple packages of bargain cigarettes and a lighter with a pot leaf logo. He had a 2 liter of cola in his hand that was shooting foam out the top.
I heard her call him a useless prick and then I heard the thud of bottle as it bounced off the side of her head. She took the blow like George fucking Chuvalo, hardly flinching and then she stuck him with some sort of blade right in the throat. He hit the deck immediately. With both hands at his throat there was nothing to break his fall. Blood spewed in an arterial geyser and I heard only gurgles coming from his throat.
She gathered up everything from the ground with out giving they guy a second look. She tells me to “Take the lighter if you want. I already have one.” In a matter of seconds she is gone.
Now I am freaking the fuck out! Blood is everywhere and the pool is growing fast. Imagine dropping 2 litres of milk on the floor and that is what it was like.
What do I do? Go to the guy? Is he possibly armed? Do I call the cops? Where did my god damn Vitamin Water go? This is awful.
The guy is no longer moving. There is no one else around. I decided to get him some help but what if the cops think I had something to do with it?
I run around the building to the street and look around but there is not a car in sight. Not one. There is no point going into the store because the Asian chick will never put down the phone. Then I remember my cell is in the truck.
I run back around the corner to my truck. My head is down as I search for my keys. I find them just as I get to my vehicle and when I lift my head there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out. I ain't trying to get arrested. I just got here. I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared.
I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said ‘fresh’ and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare but I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'
Last night I was working until 9PM. I lock up and start my drive home when I realize that I am thirsty as hell and start to hanker for some Vitamin Water. It quenches the thirst that god damn Vitamin Water.
On my way home there is a little variety store. It is not in a strip mall. The store just sits on a corner in a residential neighborhood. Once upon a time it was someone’s home but now it is just a convenient place to buy tobacco, lotto, $10 porn DVD’s and god damn Vitamin Water. Parking is in the rear and poorly lit. They obviously have an ATM cash box inside with a god awful rake and a token Asian behind the counter who I have never seen without a telephone in her ear.
Like seriously, can’t they lose the fucking telephone while they are serving a customer? If I am going to drop 10 bucks on a pack of cigs in their establishment they really shouldn’t subject me to the grating, “Wang, Dang, Chang…” of their native tongue while they get my order wrong. Plus all of these conversations sound like they are having a fight. It makes me uncomfortable. And thirsty for god damn Vitamin Water.
So I park my truck behind this shithole and head in to claim my bounty of Essential Vitamin Water. It is orange flavored with Vitamin C added. This stuff is sunshine in a bottle if you ask me and quenches my thirst like no other. The flavoring is timid but without a doubt citrus. It reminds me of the Mamacita’s I met the summer I worked in the Orange groves of Riverside County. Their lips and nipples always tasted faintly of citrus and salt, like a titty magaritia. Those were fine days my friends. We were Jolly green giants walking the earth. God damn I love Vitamin Water.
Some young guy and his scabby girlfriend almost run over me as they exit the store. No apology, no excuse me, just barrel straight in to me and shoot me a look like I was a piece of dog shit. Normally I get a bit offended by this type of crap but this time I hardly even noticed. I could see the orange glow coming from one of the back coolers and it entranced me. It was like looking into the light glowing from the end of ET’s finger. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t deviate, my feet just took over and led me to the Shangri-la that is the god damn Vitamin Water cooler.
I have no real memory of the next minute or so. Just flashes of orange, the feeling of smooth plastic against my skin. The sound of my heart beating in my ears, so full and heavy, its pace quickening as I feel the coolness of the bottle in my grip. I think I just threw a fiver at the clerk and kept going. I don’t remember. There was no change in my pocket when I got home.
The cap on the bottle opened with out any effort and the click of the safety tab breaking sounded like the perfect note struck at the perfect time. Minimalist, emotional, just a hint of vibrato. I was striding around the corner to the back lot and my truck with the bottle just inches from my lips the goodness just about to fill me when I heard them.
This couple was arguing in the parking lot. The same two from the store. Their plastic bag filled with convenient treasures was broken and laying on the ground. I saw a busted bag of wings and blue cheese flavored Doritios (TR anyone?), a couple packages of bargain cigarettes and a lighter with a pot leaf logo. He had a 2 liter of cola in his hand that was shooting foam out the top.
I heard her call him a useless prick and then I heard the thud of bottle as it bounced off the side of her head. She took the blow like George fucking Chuvalo, hardly flinching and then she stuck him with some sort of blade right in the throat. He hit the deck immediately. With both hands at his throat there was nothing to break his fall. Blood spewed in an arterial geyser and I heard only gurgles coming from his throat.
She gathered up everything from the ground with out giving they guy a second look. She tells me to “Take the lighter if you want. I already have one.” In a matter of seconds she is gone.
Now I am freaking the fuck out! Blood is everywhere and the pool is growing fast. Imagine dropping 2 litres of milk on the floor and that is what it was like.
What do I do? Go to the guy? Is he possibly armed? Do I call the cops? Where did my god damn Vitamin Water go? This is awful.
The guy is no longer moving. There is no one else around. I decided to get him some help but what if the cops think I had something to do with it?
I run around the building to the street and look around but there is not a car in sight. Not one. There is no point going into the store because the Asian chick will never put down the phone. Then I remember my cell is in the truck.
I run back around the corner to my truck. My head is down as I search for my keys. I find them just as I get to my vehicle and when I lift my head there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out. I ain't trying to get arrested. I just got here. I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared.
I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said ‘fresh’ and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare but I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'
Comments
nh gg wp
/g2
I F[American's]P
and then came, like three times.