Free Casino Cash - Make Us Laugh
For those of you that have busted your casino accounts, lets try something to help you get more. Anyone that posts something in this thread that makes me, or someone else laugh (they must quote your post and indicate that they laughed) I will ship 10k in casino cash. All you have to do is post a funny story, picture, video or whatever else you think will make people laugh. The more people that laugh, the more you get. This will run for 72 hours only, so try to come up with something quick 
Comments
The Newfie went straight home...
and shot his dog
Haha... not bad, I'll ship the 10k.
A German doctor says, 'That is nothing; we can take a lung from one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas ; put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.'
I lol'd......just a little bit.....on the inside.
YouTube - We Like Sportz
Time to piss it all away in minutes!
Luck Box
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Valuetown
Posts: 3,162
Casino cash: $0
CPF Bucks: 2,610
Another LOL, however unintentional.
Because she had no arms
stp
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to
worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too . When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and
watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying
and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Played AWFUL today! Shot a 98. I can't putt for shit!!!!
Got laid though.
Q. How do you improve the sound of a smart car?
A. Attach popsicle sticks to the wheel spokes to make it sound as though it has a bigger engine.
The Poker Pro with the Tatoo
John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he'd gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.
John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his penis that said "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.
Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.
Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player, also, but his tatoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."
1)
2)
Banking crisis explained
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him backhis two dollars.'
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
3)
4)
>>are their
>> nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
>> When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife
>>and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus.
>> So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
>> After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the
>>stick of
>> the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him:
>>"Why don' t
>> you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking
>>sound is driving me crazy!
>> The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his >>head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy
turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A store that sells husbands has just opened, where woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs! The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids! The woman remarks to herself, “that’s great, but I wonder what’s further up? And she goes up again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking! “Hmm, better” she says. “ But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the house work! “WOW!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT there must be more further up!” And again the woman heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak! “Oh, mercy me! But just think…what must be awaiting me further up?”So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!
Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!
>>>>leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has
>>>>assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can
>take
>>>>off immediately after that.
>>>>
>>>>The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'
>>>>uniforms both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog,
>>>>and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
>>>>
>>>>Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
>>>>cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
>begin
>>>>glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
>>>>little practical joke.
>>>>
>>>>None is forthcoming.
>>>>
>>>>The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the
>>>>windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge
>>>>of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane
will
>>>>never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams
>>>>fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
>>>>air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they
>>>>have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that
>>>>the plane is in good hands.
>>>>
>>>>Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You
know,
>>>>Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
all
>>>>gonna die."
to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you.
>>until, one day,
>> >he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign
>>on it. The
>> >bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10
>>years old.
>> > >
>> > > It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately
>>buys it, and
>> >asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10
>>years.
>> > >
>> > > "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever
>>the bike is
>> >outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
>>protects it
>> >from the moisture." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
>> > >
>> > > That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet
>>her parents.
>> >Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter
>>the house,
>> >Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my
>>family
>> >before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the
>>first
>> >person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
>> > >
>> > > "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right
>>smack in the
>> >middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
>>kitchen is
>> >another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
>>corridor,
>> >everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and,
>>sure enough,
>> >no one says a word.
>> > >
>> > > As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
>>situation.
>> > > So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he
>>arches over
>> >and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
>> > >
>> > > So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her
>>on the table,
>> >and takes her right there, in front of her parents. His
>>girlfriend is a
>> >little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
>>horrified when he
>> >sits back down, but no one says a word.
>> > >
>> > > He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So
>>he grabs the
>> >mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
>>every which
>> >way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
>>furious and her
>> >dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
>> > >
>> > > All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
>>to rain.
>> >Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline
>>from his
>> >pocket.
>> > >
>> > > Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:
>>"Alright,
>> >enough already, I'll do the f****** dishes!"
gestures alluringly to the
> >bartender who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively
> >signals that he should bring his face closer to
hers. When he does, she
> >begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you
the manager?" she asks
> >softly stroking his face with both hands.
> >
> >"Actually, I'm not," says the man.
> >
> >"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she says, running her
> >hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> >
> >"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is
there anything I can do?"
> >
> >"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,"
she continues, running
> >her forefinger across the bartender's lips and
slyly popping a coupl e of
> her
> >fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them
gently.
> >
> >"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to
say around her delicate
> >fingers.
> >
> >"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet
paper, hand soap or paper
> >towels in the ladies room.
I lol'd
> > 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down
> > the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
> > The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
> > She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the
> > stairs or down?"
> > The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to
> > her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> > forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
> > She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
> > at the door."
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
I lol'ed.
Trevor and Malcolm are walking down the beach. Trevor is wearing trunks, while Malcolm is wearing his see-through Speedo. After the third or fourth gasp of shock, Trevor leans towards Malcolm and whispers, I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts.
Brilliant!!! lmfao...Did Herschel do that vid??
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off... After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."