My Claim to fame...
OT's been dead lately..thought this could be a funny thread.
Post some bizarre story from any point in your life.
When I was 9 I became the youngest elected sixer(leader) in my Girl guide troup....
I was kicked out a few months later for 'indecent behavior' (read that as ..I mooned and/or showed my underpants too often to the delight of my fellow Canaries, but the dismay of our adult troup leader 'Gay')
This is the exact moment I knew I was destined for greatness.
Post some bizarre story from any point in your life.
When I was 9 I became the youngest elected sixer(leader) in my Girl guide troup....
I was kicked out a few months later for 'indecent behavior' (read that as ..I mooned and/or showed my underpants too often to the delight of my fellow Canaries, but the dismay of our adult troup leader 'Gay')
This is the exact moment I knew I was destined for greatness.
Comments
I was at a variety store in Tavistock eating a chocolate bar. Threw the wrapper on the ground and kicked it under the big propane tank.
Thought I saw a cop drive by and panicked.
Kneeled down to pick up the wrapper and found the cash hidden under the tank.
Like a fool I go into the store and give it to the manager. End up going to court - turns out it was stolen from the gas station by an employee and clown hid it under the propane tank.
Total reward for my services: $0.
Do tell...
This one time at band camp [CENSORED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT] [CENSORED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT] [CENSORED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT] [CENSORED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT] [CENSORED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT]
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Yep, good times...
When I was about 12 my girlfriend talked me into shop lifting from the mall downtown..for some reason there was a cop in the store and he suspected something.. he started to come over and I made a run for it..
being the initiated mall rat that I was...I knew my way around better and lost him in the parking garage. (though he achieved HIS objective..which I'm sure was to scare us straight)
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
"Um, not sure.... about 130?"
"Nope. My cruiser has a speed limiter set at 180 kms/hr and I was bouncing off it while you pulled away from me."
I am glad to have learned my lesson without having killed myself... which is why I am so against racing on the streets in my older years.
Not sure who had more shit in his pants after that encounter.... me or my brother in the passenger seat.
In an afternoon we spent about $2K shopping and I also bought a half dozen bottles of liquor (Wild Turkey FTW).
My gf is freaking out a bit and worried about crossing back into Canada. I hadn't been pulled over in forever and I kept telling her to just stay quiet and I'll handle everything. We pull up to the booth, I take off sunglasses and hat putting them both in my lap. I make sure he sees how respectful I am of his authority:
"Where you from?"
"Both Canadian."
"How Long Away?"
"4 hours."
"Anything to declare?"
"Some clothing, about $35 each."
"Alcohol, Tobacco?"
"No Sir."
"Please pull over to the right and give this slip to the guard."
Ahhhh fuck!!!!!!
So we pull up and no one is there waiting. It must be coffee break or shift change or some shit. I park, jump out of the car, put the slip in my pocket and head into the office they have there.
Three guards are around the desk all chatting up this hot secretary. They look a bit surprised when I come into the room so I immediately ask if any one can help me. The one guy says sure and we step off to the side. Everyone else resumes their conversation.
I tell the guy that I had been over the border looking at boats today and was wondering what would be involved in bringing one back across the border. Do I pay duty at the border? Do I need a broker? How much will this cost me?
He pulls a card out of his pocket and jots a web address on it and tells me to research there. He then asks if there is any thing else he can help with.
"No, thanks a lot!! You have a great day!," I tell him and give him a big shit eating grin. I go back outside, get in my car and drive away.
Either way, kudos for having the guts to try and pull off a joke when you're balls deep in the guy's daughter. You sir are my hero.
Being 15 years old and knowing that the "coolest" guy is the one who can down the most beers a contest was soon on. The easiest way to keep track was to hold on to the bottle cap of each beer we drank. I can't remember who drank the most but for some reason I was keeping mine in my pants pocket.
Eventually, we arrive at the bar and get to the front of the line wherethe bouncers somehow realize that I am completely inebriated. It might have been because I needed someone to lean on just to stay upright. They inform me that I can't come in and I become incensed. I explain to them as clearly as I can that they don't have the right to refuse me entrance since I haven't had anything to drink and I'm willing to pay just like everyone else. I then reach into my pocket and pull out a few bills. I also happened to snag several beer bottle caps which go cascading across the ground.
I paused, looked up at the bouncer who was staring at me trying to keep a straight face and announce " Well... uhm... I've decided to go now". The guys I was with, being true friends, do their best to distance themselves from me in hopes of getting in. Only two of them managed to do so.
The four of us, who were denied, had an even more crazy and interesting trip to the bus station and eventually home. But I'll save that story for another time.
I'm guessing that he wasn't in the kitchen with Dinah
1. Going to ladies night at some bar in FLA. Trying to get the bartender to duplicate a Moscow mule was hilarious, especially since we never realized that it needed Canadian Rye since they don't know WTF rye is. Ladies drank free and my gf (now wife) and I and another Canadian couple we met down there got hosed as we went through about 20 different versions and never did get it right. Then the bar closed and we convinced the bartender to drive us to another bar. Don't really remember what happened at the second bar because I was nearly blind now. However we did have to pay the cabbie that drove us home extra since I puked in his cab.
2. Homecoming weekend AcidJoe got so hammered he leaned over and puked right into the jacket pocket of my buddy. Trooper carried right on drinking after that and my buddy never knew how he got a pocket of puke.
3. Eating my dinner at my stag in the can because it just saved time that way.
Best Theft:
About 20 of us stole the Queen's Engineering greasepole and ransomed it back to the 1st year students for 100 cases of beer. Driving up to the beer store in a Uhaul truck because you are picking up a flat and a half is awesome. Party afterwards even better.
Most fun trespassing:
Charging the field after Queen's won the Vanier Cup in 1992 at the Skydome.
Best Karma:
T-boned a drunk driver. Yep I T-boned him as he ran a red light. Drove him right into a hydro pole. Got paid to come back as a witness at the court case too and watched the fucker limp up to the witness stand because his leg was broke in two places. Took the travel money and went for lobster dinner after. That was with the gf (wife) too.
Best accident:
Came over a hill on the 401 and ran right into some asshole who had stopped in the fast lane with a flat tire. Hit him so hard the car flipped around and hit him again going backwards. That's right - I totaled both ends of my parents station wagon in one accident.
Biggest scared shitless:
Now facing backwards on the 401 watching all the other cars hurtle towards me at 100+ km/hr. Fortunately everyone else managed to stop in time. Between that and the split second lucky timing that the drunk driver didn't t-bone me and I don't like to drive much if possible anymore.
And I'd like to second... 800over, you are also my hero!
I hold the distance record for my block for jumping my 3-speed bike: 28' 4". I also hold the distance record for my block for flying over the handlebars of my 3-speed bike: 8' 2". Front forks collapsed on the base of the ramp while trying to better my record.
Drinking story: While a member to the Reserves I went on a summer-long training course with a platoon of guys from the Regiment. We were doing our rifle qualifications at CFB Niagara-on-the-Lake. We were there with a platoon from the Royal Canadian Artillery. A platoon is about 27 guys. For the Saturday night beach bash the Arty boys sent a jeep into town to buy booze. A jeep holds a 1/4 ton of cargo. Our platoon sent in a "Deuce", and filled it two layers deep. A "Deuce" is the truck from the first Rambo movie. The guys were all 17/18, and we drank EVERYTHING. I separated two knuckles on one hand in a "mercy" fight. I also won $50.00 by eating a live frog (sorry Kristy). The total tab for our booze was somewhere north of $2,000.00 (1982).
Sadly, no real legal stuff to brag about.
multiple times......
with different girls......
all DURING class......(although they were separate classes)
Well, no. But sadly I think it could have been accomplished......
...I was in your class,
I was your Teacher!
Miss Fitzhenry?
Bugsy Brown.
in the middle of 'relations'...we decided to change venue to the picnic table in the backyard.
It seemed reasonable to do in the middle of the night, on a picnic table in a yard that backed onto a secluded forest area...
until we somehow set off the backyard motion light..since it was the middle of the night, we finished what we were doing and as I stood up.. I looked over just in time to see the elderly neighbours curtains slam shut...
FYI if you ever find yourself in this situation...skip the bbq with those neighbours at that same table a few days later...I learned that the hard way.
Yes the 1992 Vanier cup at skydome was a hoot.
Wishing I had done something instead of being a good guy.
The girl I was going out with had locked herself out of her Mom's condo and we couldn't get a hold of her. Both her and I had to work early in the morning so I said stay with me (she was 18 I was 19 and still lived at home then). I gave her my bed room and slept on the couch since my parents were home. I got up, put all the blankets away woke her up, left the bedroom and went into the bathroom to brush hair, teeth etc. Finish up and go into the bedroom get ready for work.
As we are leaving my bedroom together, my Mom and Dad are standing there going good morning. We go down have a coffee and leave for work. I don't know how long I heard about it from my parents.
I figure for the amount of grief I took I should have slept with her anyways that night
Took me a few seconds to recall that one.
One evening at the rippers for a stag I was negotiating fees for services rendered. The entertainer was not in agreement with my offer, grabbed a beer bottle and took two swings at my head. The first one contacted nicely and left me a goose egg. The second one missed, or possibly she threw it, and hit another dancer a few feet behind me who was not too impressed. She was escorted out of the building and the bar owner treated our group to free drinks for the rest of the night.
I lead a boring life compared to most of you!!
If you want I can change my post to include you as a participant.
We used rolls of paper towel to make a big white wall at the bottom of the valley in the early dusk hours. Then we would hide up on the cliff and watch people come barreling down the highway, then slame on the breaks, get out, break the paper and drive through.
The first 3 were funny, the 4th returned with a cop in tow. We all booked for the campsite, one person, looking behind to see if we were being chased, missed the barbed wire fence and was millimeters from losing his manhood. We had to pull him out of the fence he stuck in so hard. Spent the rest of the evening at the campfire, one guy stiching up all the holes in his jeans.
One halloween back in junior high school well after dark we stole a full sized straw man from someone's porch and placed it across the road. We chose the peak of a hill so that the cars could not see until it was too late. We watched several cars run it over and all the hilarity that followed until finally someone took the straw man with them in thier car. Looking back on it it sure doesn't seem as funny a thing to do now... back then though it was legendary.
Now to get totally immature... one math class in college I had a serious gas issue. I am not one to flatulate in class if I can help it because it can be quite embarrassing. Fortunately for me when I could barely hold things back I though of a sollution. Picture a classroom of about 30 people with single desks in rows of pairs across the room. The seats were not attached to the desks (I am not that old) but were those orange plastic ones. Behind me sat this really nice but super shy friend of mine named Coshal. I leaned over to my roomate who sat on my right and I said "I gotta fart... as soon as I do spin around fast and look at Coshal." What occurred next was perhaps the funniest scene I have ever witnessed. I let goa monsterous ripper that resonated off the plastic seat loud enough to be heard in every corner of the classroom. My roomate and I in unison spun hard and stared at Coshal with surprisingly straight faces worthy of an oscar.... as did the entire classroom.... as did the teacher. The silence and escalating repressed laugh energy in the room was matched in it's greatness only by the level of redness in Coshals face. The teacher walked over slowly and finally broke the silence by asking Coshal if he had to go wash up. He was too embarrassed to utter any defence. When the class was over everyone in the room was congratulating him and no one would beleive him at that point that it wasn't him dispite his passionate appeals
My gf (yes the same one) and I head over with her friend to my buddies' house.....lets call him something completely random....like Schtebs. My girls best friend was going on a first date of sorts with Schtebs. So we all head towards the car and my gf and I jump in the back. I quietly lay a gas trap in the back seat on the passenger side. Fortunately the smell went unnoticed till Schtebs and his date got in the car....being third to comment on the smell I mentioned that it hadn't appeared till his date (who had till then ignored the stench and refrained from commenting) had gotten into the car. "Listen I fart enough to know what's mine and I certainly have no problem admitting when I do" I said. "It didn't smell until Danica* got into the car".
Well that started it. She was a prim and proper lady (at the time) and was mortified when I accused her. We cruised over to the video store and the whole time I complained of tears in my eyes from the noxious cloud that Danica had produced. By the time we got the store Danica was seething and wouldn't say a word. She went into the store and Schtebs and my gf were trying their best not to laugh (too much). We get into the store and look around for a bit (Jumbo Video biatch!) and after a minute or two my GF asks where Danica was and seeing her a couple of aisles over I shout: "I can't see her but I think I can smell her!" oh and then she chased me outside and beat my ass. But for 2 years everyone thought she was the culprit. (until I stupidly admitted it while drinking while admitting another story which i'll save for another post.)
Farts = Good times.
*Made up name which may or may not be the same as Miss Oktoberfest 1997: Oktoberfest