New Jokes

T8urmoneyT8urmoney
in Off Topic Lounge
Was out camping in a ball tourney this weekend (don't ask how we did). Sitting around the campfire, it became painfully obvious I've been recycling my jokes for too long.....as everyone were spitting out the punchlines for me.

So.....insert you jokes here......I'll start:

Two pretzels were walking down the alley, 1 was assaulted.

Comments

  • The_AwesomeThe_Awesome
    What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?




















    Half a cat.
  • 800OVER800OVER
    Have any of you guys heard the joke about the 3 holes in the ground?
  • 13CARDS13CARDS
    Deleted
  • T8urmoneyT8urmoney
    800OVER wrote: »
    Have any of you guys heard the joke about the 3 holes in the ground?

    No, shoot........maybe include the answers in white lettering
  • T8urmoneyT8urmoney
    What's long and hard on a Newfie?

    3rd Grade
  • JohnnieHJohnnieH
    What's green and smells like pork?

    Kermits finger

    What do you get when you toss a piano down a mine shaft?

    Aflat minor
  • MiloMilo
    Mark and Kristy are walking along the beach during another Hookers and Blow weekend extravaganza. Approaching from the other direction is Mario, resplendent in his see-through banana hammock. Kristy starts to giggle, and Mario looks confused. Mark clarifies the situation with the following, "Mario, I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts." Don't forget to tip your server.
  • T8urmoneyT8urmoney
    This was is better done in person......

    What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

    slurp...ARGGG....slurp (choke)
  • lunaticlunatic
    I apologize in advance.

    What's the difference between a BMW and a 100 dead babies?

    I don't have a BMW in my garage.
  • DrTyoreDrTyore
    Funny, we were just looking up inappropriate jokes today at work

    What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

    A pickpocket snatches watches.....


    Mark
  • 800OVER800OVER
    T8urmoney wrote: »
    No, shoot........maybe include the answers in white lettering

    Well,well,well.
  • Wetts1012Wetts1012
    Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?


    Because there's twenty of them
  • Hellmuth's MoleHellmuth's Mole
    Two guys are sitting in a bar. Their conversation gets heated and they start to insult each other. Finally one screams, “I fucked your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!”





    The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
  • GrahamGraham
    lunatic wrote: »
    I apologize in advance.

    What's the difference between a BMW and a 100 dead babies?

    I don't have a BMW in my garage.


    LMAO... I read this then looked at your username. Now I am scared.

    Here is one:

    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
    The husband said, "Who was that?"
    The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
  • T8urmoneyT8urmoney
    Soooooooo.........this horse walks into the bar......bartender says: 'Why the long face?'

    A Giraffe walks into a bar and says to the bartender: 'Hi-Balls are on me!!'

    A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin. Bartender as him what's with the steering wheel. He says: 'I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!!'
  • The_AwesomeThe_Awesome
    What is long, brown and really really sticky?


    A stick.
  • stpboystpboy
    Why did the cute little girl fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.

    stp
  • JohnnieHJohnnieH
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
    The husband said, "Who was that?"
    The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

    We have a winner.

    nh Graham.
  • lunaticlunatic
    The_Awesome wrote: »
    What is long, brown and really really sticky?


    A stick.

    There is no word powerful enough to describe your performance, so I am forced to make one up: scrumptrulescent
  • The_AwesomeThe_Awesome
    How many people with Alheimers disease does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    How many people with Alheimers disease does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    How many people with Alheimers disease does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    How many people with Alheimers disease does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  • DrTyoreDrTyore
    How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
  • 13CARDS13CARDS
    Deleted
  • CdnVet0506CdnVet0506
    So a man boards an Air Canada flight with 6 kids. After finding their seats a lady across the isle leans over and asks: "Are they all yours?"
    He replies, "No ma'am, I work for a condom company, these are all the customer complaints."
  • T8urmoneyT8urmoney
    So this golfer goes home and smacks his wife.......she says "what the hell was that for"........to his reply "I've been hitting everthing fat all day"
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