relationship cheating questions

(just to be clear, this has nothing to do with my personal relationship with my gf. i am only asking these questions because i have had multiple people speak to me recently about issues they have been having in their relationships and it got me thinking.)

are you justified in violating your significant other's privacy (i.e. looking through their phone/computer/tablet without them knowing) if you suspect them of cheating on you? are you only justified if you find proof of cheating? would you come clean and tell your significant other that you searched through their stuff and found no evidence of them cheating? have you been cheated on? (i won't ask if you have cheated as i assume i won't get an honest answer anyway.)

i have had former girlfriends go through my phone and computer looking to see if i was cheating (i wasn't), and i've only found out because i've found hints and they've admitted to it when i've confronted them. however, those are only the few that i've seen something to make me think they had done such a thing. i'm curious if it's just a normal thing to search for cheating evidence like this and i'm the only one who hasn't. (luckily for me, my gf hates everyone else way too much to ever be able to find someone to cheat on me with.)

Comments

  • I think if they are going through your phone/email, trust has left the relationship.

    /relationship
  • trigs wrote: »
    (just to be clear, this has nothing to do with my personal relationship with my gf. i am only asking these questions because i have had multiple people speak to me recently about issues they have been having in their relationships and it got me thinking.)

    are you justified in violating your significant other's privacy (i.e. looking through their phone/computer/tablet without them knowing) if you suspect them of cheating on you? are you only justified if you find proof of cheating? would you come clean and tell your significant other that you searched through their stuff and found no evidence of them cheating? have you been cheated on? (i won't ask if you have cheated as i assume i won't get an honest answer anyway.)

    i have had former girlfriends go through my phone and computer looking to see if i was cheating (i wasn't), and i've only found out because i've found hints and they've admitted to it when i've confronted them. however, those are only the few that i've seen something to make me think they had done such a thing. i'm curious if it's just a normal thing to search for cheating evidence like this and i'm the only one who hasn't. (luckily for me, my gf hates everyone else way too much to ever be able to find someone to cheat on me with.)

    See bolded . . . I can think of NO REASON that would justify anything that falls under the term "violating" when it comes to a relationship. If you are violating something in that relationship, then the relationship is broken anyway, so you might as well end it.

    I have been part of violating the trust of a good friend. It took months before we even spoke and, thought we did repair our friendship, it was never quite the same, and we did eventually drift apart. Probably one of the only/biggest regrets in my life.

    If I were suspicious, I would simply ask the question. Most people are terrible liars.
  • i am the kind of person that wants to thoroughly discuss all disagreements. i just don't understand how someone can be in a relationship and have issues with the other person but never discuss it with them. also, i don't think i could ever go through someone's phone or something like that. i would feel terrible even if i was correct in my suspicion that they were cheating on me. i have been cheated on more than once and i still wouldn't feel right doing that to the person.

    i figured i wouldn't get a lot of responses to this post. surprised i got two in fact. thanks!
  • Tough question, because if the other person has been cheating (a much more serious violation) then the searcher would be justified.

    Does the answer to this question change if we're talking spouses instead of just bf/gf? The level of trust violation in the search alone one way or the other may end the boyfriend relationship, but probably shouldn't end a marriage (or common law) relationship.

    Does the expectation of "privacy" have to exist? In a relationship worth keeping, could both people not say - "you can look through my phone/ computer any time you want"? If one person is NOT cool with that, there's where the conversation can start, before anyone has to suspect anyone of anything.
  • Big Mike wrote: »
    Tough question, because if the other person has been cheating (a much more serious violation) then the searcher would be justified.

    i assume this is the justified reasoning that people use, but you are technically not justified beforehand since you don't know for sure until you do the violating first, at least as far as you know. the dilemma is scary.
    Does the answer to this question change if we're talking spouses instead of just bf/gf? The level of trust violation in the search alone one way or the other may end the boyfriend relationship, but probably shouldn't end a marriage (or common law) relationship.

    yeah, there may be differences to consider. obviously, if children are involved things must change. i guess if there are a lot of commonly owned things, it might change things as well although i'd be hard pressed to argue that you should stay with someone who cheats on you simply because you own a house together.
    Does the expectation of "privacy" have to exist? In a relationship worth keeping, could both people not say - "you can look through my phone/ computer any time you want"? If one person is NOT cool with that, there's where the conversation can start, before anyone has to suspect anyone of anything.

    this is a great point because a lot of people feel that a married couple, for example, should not be "keeping secrets" from each other for any reason. yes, one can have their own private time away from the other for whatever reason, but why does one need privacy to surf the internet or text people without their significant other knowing? very fair question and one i'm not sure i can quite answer. i don't think i have anything to hide from my gf and if she asked me if she could look through my phone i'd probably say yes but i think i'd still be annoyed at her asking and wanting to do so.
  • Trust but verify?

    I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't trust the other person.

    Had to do it in business but never personal life. Well never in personal life with someone I felt I'd be with more than a couple days...
  • pkrfce9 wrote: »
    Trust but verify?

    that also brings up an interesting point. can you and should you truly trust someone without verifying it is possible to trust them first? how can you know they are trustworthy until you actually check it out that they are being trustworthy? maybe this checking doesn't require violating their privacy per se, but it will at least require lying to them in some manner or perhaps going behind their back in some way. must you begin with true, whole trust and only stop trusting after being screwed over? (funny how this last question relates to my morality post in the other thread lol).
  • Two phones, ez game.
  • JimmyHo wrote: »
    Two phones, ez game.

    genius.
  • JimmyHo wrote: »
    Two phones, ez game.
    trigs wrote: »
    genius.

    Yup. I'm not cheating, I'm a dealer.
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